- Goemon (2009) - a solid 2
hours of near non-stop high-energy super-ninja stuff based on a Robin
Hood type character from Japanese legend. Very bloody and very messy
(just about everyone dies, babies get tossed into vats of boiling oil,
wives of less co-operative assassins are slaughtered out of hand etc
etc) and it's amazingly entertaining. I'm not sure I kept track of who
had (or was about to) be betray(ed) and/or kill(ed) (and/or vice versa)
by whom - at one point I was slightly convinced that someone had managed
to usurp himself before working out that one of the himselfs was
someone else - but I really enjoyed it. A Jacobean revenge tragedy on
steroids (with ninjas).
- Heckler (2007) - talking head documentary about what a pain
in the arse hecklers can be to stand-ups which segues into a talking
head documentary about what a pain in the arse internet film reviewers
can be to stand-up comics who go on to make unfunny comedies. It's a
heartfelt movie, driven by the producer (stand-up turned actor) Jamie
Kennedy's hurt at getting trashed by many professional and amateur
reviewers. And it's a heartfelt message that is totally undermined every
time he appears on screen behaving like a spoilt brat. Several times
he is shown talking to critics, who have panned him, challenging them to
justify their attacks. He is often unable to read out what they have
written about him, stumbling over some of the longer words (which he
clearly doesn't understand) and is then unwilling, or unable, to engage
them in any meaningful dialogue - instead suggesting to one reviewer
that if he had had a really good messy blow job recently he might have
liked his film more - wha...? Another reviewer gets the Star Trek
Vulcan split finger salute thing waved in his face and told he "lives
at [the San Diego] Comic-Con" as if this was an amazingly funny and
devastating put down. It wasn't. In both cases the reviewers looked
bemused and uncomfortable. Jamie Kennedy just appeared to be mentally
unwell and did himself no favours. Any sympathy he might have generated
was pissed away with his displays or rudeness and crudity. There is an
important message in here: we should all be careful about what we
say especially in the anonymous and (relatively) unregulated interweb.
People have feelings and having two years of your life's work shat on
by nasty little wanabee hacks with no creative experience of their own
must hurt. It's an important message but delivered badly.
- Scott Pilgrim Vs The World (2010) - I loved it!
- Mirror Mirror (2012) - A perfect Friday Night Pizza movie. (Thanks, Daisy!).
- Attack of the Crab Monsters - a giant papier mache monsters eating scientists movie which had the girls and me in stitches for its entire running time.
- Super 8 (2011) - which was darker than I expected - though
that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I quite enjoyed it though, about
half-way through, I had the weird feeling that if ever I ever watched it
again I would probably hate it. Not quite sure I understand why I felt
that way but it might have something to do with the fact that it
suddenly reminded me of The Goonies. I hated The Goonies. I am the only person in the world who does, but I thought it was horrible.
- The Stuff (1985) - or maybe I should just wait a couple of
years. I dismissed The Stuff a tale of a killer pudding thretening to
take over America as:
I was wrong. It's a very odd, witty very funny little film. I apologize to all concerned for my sniffy remarks.
|Nearly as crappily crap as it sounds. For the most part it is the
usual mess of muddled story, sudden narrative jumps, and never
- Ice Cream Man (1995) - now this was crap; I don't think I'm ever going to change my mind on this one. Ice Cream Man
is a witless wander into the Kids Know Someone is a Killer But No one
Takes Them Seriously So They Set Out To Prove It genre. Inept in every
direction, for most of the time it plays like a slightly gory
Children's Film Foundation production with David Warner and Olivier
Hussey getting paid for a few days work while wondering what did
happen to their careers. It's a measure of the scrappy production
values that the kid consistently referred to as the 'fat kid' and who is
always shown slower more plodding and out of breath than the others in
the gang is, in fact, played by a kid of perfectly average weight
wearing a variety of padded jackets and 'fat suit' clothes with no
attempt to make his face, hands or any other viable part of his body
look overweight. A production so crappy they couldn't find a fat
American kid actor? Things I learnt from this film:
- Lee Majors II looks very like his dad.
- Staff members pushing stock trolleys around American supermarkets
don't notice when people climb on and off them while they are being
- Fading to black at the end of Every Scene really does look as shitty and indecisive as I suspected it would.
- Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban - Part 3 of Mrs
JM's relentless family watchings of the Harry Plodder films. Second
movie in a row with lots of fading to black at the ends of scenes as our
hero faints at least four times (I lost count). And sometimes my
initial thoughts are correct. Half way though watching this I had the thought that I had seen this film before:
Well it's been more than a week but I was right. I knew I'd seen
it but didn't remember a thing about it. Nothing. My memory of this film
was a total blank despite the fact that several sequences were shot a
couple of miles down the road from my house. It didn't even generate a
sense of deja-vu. I had totally forgotten it. This time (and maybe last
time too) I found myself increasingly irritated by our hero. He's such
an annoying little twerp. Can't keep a secret for more than 30 seconds
before he's rushing off to tell Hermione and Ron all about it (the fact
that the prisoner bloke is out to kill him - see! it's going already,
the Gary Oldman character. No, the name's gone - and the incredibly
useful animated map thing. He's no sooner given it in the strictest
confidence than he's blabbing all about it to H & R) - and I'm
getting so fed up with him being forgiven for everything. Every
time he breaks 'the rules' he is let off this time and warned not to do
it again or there will be consequences... next time... kindly smile,
twinkle in the eye. (Yawn!)
Originally Posted by my IMDb 'review' back in Aug 2005
For all the effort that went into
this film (and technically it is very impressive) I doubt if I will
remember a single frame of it in a week's time.
- Welcome to Collingwood (2002) - a film which starts with one
of my favourite opening gimmicks: show characters in
absurd/weird/puzzling situation followed by a title card saying: "Three
Weeks Before" and playing the whole film out in flashback to the point
where the absurd/weird/puzzling situation makes perfect and inevitable
sense. I laughed. A lot. I now need to see the original: Big Deal on Madonna Street ( 1958 ).
- The Princess Bride (1987) - for the umpteenth time. One of my favourite films.
- The Giant Claw - more rainy afternoon bad movie fun with number One Daughter.
- Movie 43 (2013) - I would go and find the turd icon to slap here but I suspect the makers would find it funny. What a piece of shit!
Films I abandoned in August (I do have SOME standards!):
Phobic (2002) (I lasted 7 whole minutes!) of a very home-made
looking: shot on video and badly at that. It starring someone who I
remember stinking up the screen in a stonkingly bad 1998 supernatural
thriller called Talisman. I have better bad movies to watch than this.
Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) - A 'comedy'. After twenty minutes
watching a bunch of middle-aged well-heeled hedonistic one-note
cardboard cut out arseholes: character A = Failed in Long Term
Relationships, Character B = Unfulfilled Dreams he Decided Not to Follow
etc. I realised that, for a comedy, it was incredibly not funny. All
the humour (that I could detect) seemed to consist of the characters
calling each other 'gay' or ridiculing anything that didn't conform to
some hard-drinking, slut-fucking, party-animalling version of
emotionally stunted, alpha-male arseholeness. To hell with them.