- The Green Hornet (2011) - well that was a piece of shit.
- The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) - with my mum.
- C.R.A.Z.Y. (2005) - a lot of people love this film. The IMDb
pages for it are full of gushy gush gush love. It's a Canadian coming
of age piece about a young man coming to terms with the fact that he's
gay. There's some good stuff in here but it's so bloody slow. After
about an hour I flipped on the DVD player's on screen display to find
only 36 minutes had passed.... Three or four hours later, after some
suitably soap operatic twists, father and son are united for a moment in
mutual grief and acceptance. At this point and I should have been
weeping buckets because that is where the director had spent ages trying
to get the audience but I was actually thinking was, "Hurrah! It's finally fucking
- Kiki's Delivery Service
- Tokyo Raiders
- Living in Oblivion - for the umpteenth time.
- Radioactive Dreams (1985) - even worse than I remember it.
Two kids locked in a fall out shelter as the bombs drop have nothing to
read but hard boiled detective fiction.
- Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) -
bland Mad Maxy stuff which really never gets going and sort of limps
about for a bit not being much of anything and then just sort of stops.
- Epic (2013) - kids' animated adventure which, after
tediously, explaining the 'We have to get the Maguffin to here by then'
nature of the Quest to the audience THREE TIMES! settled down to be a
bit better than it looked like it was going to. Doubt if I'll remember
seeing it in a week's time.
- Ator the Invincible (aka Ator the Invincible 2, The Blade Master, Ator, the Blade Master, Cave Dwellers, and The Return - 1984)
- another in the small but significant number of films featuring
hang-gliding barbarians. An Italian sword and sorcery flick so
stupendously tedious that at times I doubted I'd remember watching it
before the end credits rolled. In 2012 it was listed by Total Film magazine as one of the 66 worst films of all time. (Why 66?)
- Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) Back in January I watched a crappy horror flick about a killer clown called Hellbreeder and wrote: "Amazing. Three movies in and I may have just watched the crappiest movie I will watch all year." I was wrong. Hellbreeder had an excuse ie 'No Money'. but there was no excuse for this.
Having tried to settle my brain into the target audience mindset (laddish FHM and Maxim reader - "oooh! shiny women!") I really did give it my best shot. If it wasn't for the sheer geeky hotness of lead MyAnna Buring (and the vague hope she would be naked by the end of the show - or at least getting a good dose of lipsticky lesbian snoggage - I doubt if I would have bothered past the first act.
(MyAnna Buring is the one in the middle.)
- The Dive (1989) - another winner from the buy any big box VHS
tape I'd never heard of (if it it's cheap enough) policy. A routine
dive from a Norwegian oil industry support vessel goes wrong. Terrificly
tense film which, rather unusually and interestingly, assumes the
audience knows enough about the technicalities and dangers of deep sea
diving to dispense with having an audience proxy to whom everything has
to be explained. I know bugger all about the dangers of deep sea diving
and decompression but the characters were convinced they knew what was
going on and carried me with them.
- Naked Space (aka The Creature That Wasn't Nice 1983 ) -
an amazingly unfunny space spoof comedy. The most interesting thing on
screen after a while was spotting the number of times you could see the
studio ceiling over the top of the set. If I was being generous I would
say it was slightly more watchable than Lesie Nelson's other career low
point SF 'spoof', 2001: a Space Travesty. But that is doing with faint praise. 90 minutes of earthworms drying out on a hot pavement would be more watchable than that.
- Duck Soup (1933) - funnier than the last time I watched it.
This time we watched it as a family and both of my younger kids laughed
more than I have heard them laugh at a film for ages.
- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) - I have come to
the realisation that I really don't like the Indiana Jones films.
They're over-long, and sadistic films. This was the first time I had
seen this one and there was nothing in it I hadn't seen before in the
other two. Coincidentally a character in it referenced the Marx
Brothers and another couple reused the, "Tanks!", "You're welcome." joke
from Duck Soup.
- Born Invincible ( 1978 ) - 90+ minutes of old school
chop-socky. "You bastard! Listen! Now I am going to kill you. And you
will die!" "Hahaha! No - I will kill you!" "We will see who is going
to die." Whack! Ugh! Crack! "Hoo yaa! "Whack Whack whack!" "Hahahahaha!"
"You have killed him!" Yes! Hahahahaha!" Now I will kill you...!"
with more zoom shots per square minute than any five Jess Franco films
I think the good guys won.
- Beastmaster (1982) - which I had never seen before and
surprisingly enjoyed. I had been lead to believe it was a pile of drek.
But it's a masterpiece compared with Ator the Invincible. Oh
wow! There's a sequel... no two! Apparently they ARE dreadful. Number
three has Leslie-Anne Down and David Warner in it! Argh! Fight it!
Fight the temptation... must... not.. go... to... eBay.... Oh! I don't
have to... they're on Youtube! .
- Batman and Robin (1997) Which I have never seen before and was even worse than I had been lead to believe Jeso! What a stinky mess! (Alicia Silverstone's shiny, leather-clad boobs aside. Not worth the pain of the rest of it though.)