"Several Reasons Why Great Literature is Not as Good As Playing With Your Willy (or Lady Bits)
- Literature Does not Wash Very Well. Not many great works of literature can stand vigorous soapy washing - except maybe D H Lawrence.
- Less Equipment is Required. The Enjoyment of Great Literature usualy requires the use of a book - often heavy.
- The Pictures in Your Head are Better. People with no, or few, clothes on having loads of fun, as opposed to fully clothed people standing about in Drawing Rooms feeling slightly awkward, racked with guilt, or a teensie-weensie bit socially embarrassed.
- No Names to Remember. This is especially true when comparing playing with your willy (or lady bits) with any pre-1917 Russian novel. In 1917 the newly formed Plenum of the Bolshevik Soviet People's Central Committee for the Use of Revolutionary Literary Materials siezed the space previously allocated to the use of bourgeois aristocratic patronimics and earmarked it for the exclusive use of the naming of revolutionary committees.
- You Don't Need to Be Able to Read. Illiteracy is no barrier to playing with your bits. In fact it is not even necessary to have the concept of language. Given the choice between The Complete Works of Trollope or a quick hand shandy, most primates will opt for the latter, much to the annoyance of the zoo keepers of the world. How often, I wonder, do Zoo keepers wish they could answer the question:
"Here mister, what's that monkey doing? Eh mister? That one! What's that monkey doing? Eh? Eh?"
With the words:
"Reading The Barchester Chronicals - now fuck off."