- Manborg 2011 - a
deliberately bad film (zero budget, lo-def, lots of blue screen and
retroesque stop-motion) that has its moments but wasn't bad enough to
be good - or was too good to be good - or I didn't get enough of the
references to understand just how good it was at being bad... or
something. It was short. And I almost laughed once but shan't be running out to look up any more of the makers' work.
- Vixen - Russ Meyer. There were breasts.
- The Legend of Zorro - Friday Night Choice of Number Two Daughter - which was a lot of fun.
- War of the Robots - utterly dreadful piece of Italian SF
watched with Number One Daughter. Much giggling gave way to snores as
we both fell asleep.
- Daredevil - as bad as I had been lead to believe. Worse that Catwoman? Hmmmmm...
- Minator (2006) - low budget reworking of the Theseus myth
that just about gets away with it - by derivative, low budget Sci-fi
channel Movie standards - stand it next to a proper movie and it would
look pretty shoddy. Minator was a little more ambitious in the
atmosphere department than most modern monster by numbers films and did
have some serious eye candy moments. The costume department in
particular had fun trying to recreate the lavish decadence of Eiko
Ishioka on a budget that stretched to about three pieces of vinyl
leatherette per extra. Plotwise it was cobblers in that the Minator
(and the whole of the palace above the labyrinth) is destroyed when our
hero sets alight a plume from a natural gas vent. Gas which, in
addition to being perfectly breathable for most of the time has the
curious effect of turning innocent virgin Irish women into lipstick
lesbians. Another Rutger Hauer movie off the list.
- Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft (2013) - Hoooo boy! A knockbuster feeding frenzy! Of the four!
(at least) films reworking (or at least using the names of) the Grimm
Brothers' story made in 2013 this HAS to be the worst. I haven't seen
any of the others: Hansel and Gretel, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Hansel & Gretel Get Baked but
I can state this as a fact. This is the worst. An amazingly pants film which featured an
endless reuse of establishing shots of places that appear to have
nothing to do with the story. (At the start they are used so ineptly
that our heroes appear to be expelled from the new school they are then
sent to - which is clever.) By the end, after watching the same half
dozen shots of somewhere endlessly reused, I got to recognising the
extras. The star extra was the girl in the pink trousers and knapsack
who can be seen aimlessly wandering around in shot after shot after
shot. Even those scenes which are supposedly taking place days after her
initial sighting she's got the same clothes on and is diligently
striding about getting nowhere. Nameless girl in pink pants, I salute
you; you stole the movie. (Not that I suspect it takes much to steal a
movie from Fivel and Booboo Stewart. Eric Roberts didn't even try. I
suspect he was too busy laughing at the script and where the director
was placing the camera to keep a straight face for most of the time.)
- Endgame - Bronx lotta finale (1983) - "A
telepathic mutant recruits a post-World War III TV game-show warrior to
lead her band of mutants to safety." Italian Post Apoc crap that starts
off as a variation on the Tenth Victim - segues neatly into another
Escape from New York clone before becoming another Mad Max-alike and
ending up in the same quarry that all other Italian Mad Max-alike movies
of the 80s end up. Yawn.
- How to Train Your Dragon 2 - okay story but seriously dead good in the eye candy department.
- Itty Bitty Tittie Comittee (2007) - Girl meets girl; girl
loses girl; girl blows up the Washington Monument. Fluffy bit of rad
les fem which would have been a lot funnier and daring if it had been
made 20 years earlier (I knew women like this back then) but still
Abandoned in November:
Dragon's Rage (2012) Elfs and Dwarfs and goblins and other
bollocks running around after magic Bloodsteel maggufin stuff - all
handily explained in a pre-credit montage which dropped us into the
middle of the story. (Dragon's Rage, it instantly becomes obvious, is a
chopped down version of some much longer TV thing) Within moments of the credits finishing actors
are standing around in pointy-ear makeup and floor length robes,
barely able to summon up the energy to deliver clichéd 'Fantasy'
arsedribble about 'alignments' and 'crucibles' and 'destiny' while the
director whooshes his steadicam around them. I lasted about 16 minutes.
In that time I managed to spot what looked like a nice white modern
house in the distance on a lakeshore and a spelling mistake in the
chapter headings: 'Proficy'!?