Ice Planet (2003) -
German TV movie pilot for a never to be made TV series that managed to
get released in the cinemas (well, at least one cinema - in Norway). A
prime example of an undercooked script cobbled up from bits selected
from a wide selection of other, better, scripts and glued together with a
lot of adequate CGI Lightshow.
A giant horrible something attacks an earth colony. The commander
orders everything that can fly to take off then loses his ENTIRE fleet
when he sends them ALL into the menacing, mysterious black cloud. At once.
Doesn't send in a 'probe', ask for a volunteer to see what's in there,
or offer to go in himself... just loses his entire command, and the war,
in 10 seconds flat.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet our hero!
"Oh... Pants!... Can I do that again?
Do we have a reset button or something...?"
with a rag-bag of cadets, the usual passing Han Solo clone (with whom he
has HISTORY), a passing senator, and a mysterious silent girl they leap
aboard a gigantic passing spaceship piloted by an elderly oriental
super-scientist (bitter at humanity for twisting his super-dingus
research to destructive use). The gigantic passing spaceship was,
apparently, built from specs encoded in a crystal of ice that landed on
Earth. The crystal also contained some very specific galactic sat-nav
directions and a very vague mention of some terrible danger.
Entrants for the 15th Annual Worst TV SF Uniform Contest throwing
in the towel when they see our hero's trousers for the first time
One trip through a hitherto unmentioned rent in the fabric of the
space/time continuum later and our heroes find themselves stuck on an
ice planet in some distant and uncharted part of the universe - oh, and
they have a thousand bewildered civilians on board too. (Actually we
have to take the thousand bewildered civilians on trust as the budget
would only run to someone calling up on the intercom and saying, "Captain, I have a thousand bewildered
civilians down here? What do I tell them?")
Well, this is all 'so what'? Sounds pretty much like just about every other failed Star Trek / Battlestar Galactica / Farscape mashup.
But then it gets bonkers. On the ice planet, where it is '10 degrees
below zero' but no-one's breath ever mists*, they discover a giant glowing
tree thing with all of Human history encoded in it and Human
hunter-gatherer types living in ice caves. The mysterious silent girl
gets all glowy and starts speaking alieny mysticy cobblers. The Bad
Guys arrive. The most symmetrical of the male rookies goes through some
portally thing at the behest of alien mystical babblespeaking silent
girl and turns into a metallic blue-skinned godlike being with long
blond hair. He can open his mouth really wide as he screams and shoots
blue lights out of his fingers. (Like one of those incomprehensibly
super-powered Anime heroes.)
Behold! The Giant Invisible Watermelon of Destiny!
He stops mid bigmouth-screaming
finger-blasting to have a conversation with his dad on a park bench
under some trees back on Earth - Whit! now we're referencing Solaris...?
Meanwhile our commander - whose leadership style consists of doing exactly
what the last person suggested he do several minutes beforehand - flies
to the rescue of metallic blue-skinned godlike boy - though how he knew
where to go is a mystery - and gets several more of his people killed
before the Bad Guys (whoever they are) are defeated. There is sadness
at the death of the several people he got killed which is displayed in
loving detail - the sadness is not shared by the audience because they
have no idea who has died (or why) and what their relationship to the
people who are grieving for them is. (Whoever they are. No one's even bothered to tell us that.)
The whole planet pops through the rent of fabric of the space/time
continuum (or a different one, who knows?) and everyone is now somewhere
even more uncharted than the last bit of uncharted universe they were
in. We're now deep into Space:1999 territory, folks. A voice
over tells us this is 'only the beginning'.... The End. I'm really
sorry this series never made it. It would have been hilarious.
* -10 degrees C presumably, -10 F is very cold
Humanoid Woman - rewatch of a slashed to ribbons version of Russian SF movie Cherez Ternii K Zvyozdam. Even in its butchered state it's still extraordinary stuff.
Abandoned this month:
Exorcism (2003) - an amateurish filmic
version of those dreadful evangelical Chick Publications cartoon gospel
tracts - tarted up to look like a horror movie. Dreadfully acted,
abysmally directed. Just too painful to watch beyond the ten minute
mark. I gave up shortly after this exchange between a father and his
There's no closer relationship in the world
than that between a father and son.
I thought it was between husband and wife...
No, son. God didn't give his only begotten wife;
he gave his only begotten son...
Wha....? Unless I am totally misunderstanding the word 'begotten',
(to have fathered or sired), this means the writer thinks God married
his own daughter.
In the Middle Ages people were burned at the stake for saying things like that.
(1994) which is, to quote the back of the box,
a 'gripping, spine-tingling psychological thriller filmed entirely in
scenic Utah and Idaho'. I guess all the gripping and spine-tingling
happens after the 15 minute mark because that's where I abandoned what
looked like an endlessly wordy, woodenly-acted TV movie of the week.
The sort of crap that turns up on the truemovies
channel at 4am - only not as interesting. It was the director's only gig.